Love is not Nice

By Nicholas de Castella

Spring Flowers-narrow

The knight in his shining armour (protection from being vulnerable, open and real) rides up on his white horse (the ‘good’ guy image) to rescue the fair princess from the tower of her loneliness, separation and abandonment sadness so that the two of them can escape reality to a magic castle and live happily ever after in their mind-generated fantasy world.

Fairy tale or romantic love presents an image of loving relationships as consisting only of perfect harmony, peace and joy. This ideal however is not only out of touch with the reality of human existence (which includes ‘the dark sides’ of anger, sadness and fear) but it denies essential ingredients for the creation of really deep, passionate, fulfilling, lucidly alive and loving relationships.

Love is not always ‘nice’. Being nice is the way that people who fear their own anger (and that of others) stay safe, they have confused real love with acceptance. They want to be ‘liked’ and ‘accepted’ by everyone. Carefully treading around any other peoples toes, always smiling, and outwardly agreeable. Fearing rejection and abandonment they are prepared to trade their own integrity for peace not wanting to hurt others, defending and protecting even those who hurt them by making excuses for being hurt; ‘he is in a lot of pain …, he was abused as a child…, she did the best she could, he loves me and doesn’t mean it…, it hurts him… Being nice means always looking happy even if you feel sad or angry or fearful. It is fakeness and prohibits the development of intimate and fulfilling relationships.

Real love is soul connection. It arises when we nakedly expose all that we are: when we come together, lucidly present with our deepest fears, hurts and longings, in a climate of open embrace of all that we are and commit to a journey of sharing, receiving and responding to the passionate and subtle aspects of heart-felt emotion, it includes the open hearted (non-attacking) expression of anger and sadness.

It seems almost intrinsic to our existence on earth that we suffer pain. Our most common response has been to withhold, withdraw, disconnect and resent .Either physically, mentally, or emotionally we shut down our hearts. We either put up our armour or just disconnect from our feelings. This leaves us in a state of separation, isolation and abandonment, destined to live lives of emptiness and loneliness. Those who feel
sorry for us and be nice allow us to remain ‘safely’ disconnected. Click the below link to read more of this article and receive a printable version of the articled – emailed straight away to you.

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