Love is not Nice
by Nicholas de
Castella
The knight in his
shining armour (protection from being vulnerable, open
and real) rides up on his white horse (the 'good' guy
image) to rescue the fair princess from the tower of her
loneliness, separation and abandonment sadness so that
the two of them can escape reality to a magic castle and
live happily ever after in their mind-generated fantasy
world.
Fairy tale or romantic
love presents an image of loving relationships as
consisting only of perfect harmony, peace and joy. This
ideal however is not only out of touch with the reality
of human existence (which includes 'the dark sides' of
anger, sadness and fear) but it denies essential
ingredients for the creation of really deep, passionate,
fulfilling, lucidly alive and loving
relationships.
Love is not always
'nice'. Being nice is the way that people who fear their
own anger (and that of others) stay safe, they have
confused real love with acceptance. They want to be
'liked' and 'accepted' by everyone. Carefully treading
around any other peoples toes, always smiling, and
outwardly agreeable. Fearing rejection and abandonment
they are prepared to trade their own integrity for peace
not wanting to hurt others, defending and protecting even
those who hurt them by making excuses for being hurt; 'he
is in a lot of pain ..., he was abused as a child..., she
did the best she could, he loves me and doesn't mean
it..., it hurts him... Being nice means always looking
happy even if you feel sad or angry or fearful. It is
fakeness and prohibits the development of intimate and
fulfilling relationships.
Real love is soul
connection. It arises when we nakedly expose all that we
are: when we come together, lucidly present with our
deepest fears, hurts and longings, in a climate of open
embrace of all that we are and commit to a journey of
sharing, receiving and responding to the passionate and
subtle aspects of heart-felt emotion, it includes the
open hearted (non-attacking) expression of anger and
sadness.
It seems almost
intrinsic to our existence on earth that we suffer pain.
Our most common response has been to withhold, withdraw,
disconnect and resent. Either physically, mentally, or
emotionally we shut down our hearts. We either put up our
armour or just disconnect from our feelings. This leaves
us in a state of separation, isolation and abandonment,
destined to live lives of emptiness and loneliness. Those
who feel sorry for us and be nice allow us to remain
'safely' disconnected.
To awaken us from our
safe but lonely slumber we need the loving presence of
someone who cares. Someone who is confident enough in
themselves to be real and honest with us, being open to
express what they feel (including their lack of feeling
at the intensity that they feel it and being willing to
stay present to receive and in turn, respond to our
response (or lack there of),
Only when we open our
hearts and allow our woundedness to breathe, do we have a
chance to heal, to become whole, reconnecting with the
wealth of love that lies dormant and disconnected within
our hearts.
We need to create
environments of trust in which we feel that it is safe
enough to allow us to stop running away from our darker
sides, a space to bring our woundedness out of the closet
so that it can be breathed into and healed. Gathering
together people who are prepared to stick around, receive
and respond to our wildest rage, our deepest pain and our
most terrorising fears with open hearted honesty,
frankness. To be fully present with each others
woundedness and accept them and the way they feel without
wanting to, take it away, fix it, nor console or heal
them. It is then that we are able to move through (not
around) our feelings and into deep states of loving
connection and soul nurturing.
Real love can be gutsy,
passionate, fiery and honest as well as gently, tender,
joyous and peaceful. It is an intensity of experience
where in two separate beings connect in the furnace of
absolute open expression of the truth of our being. Love
is not a something that is going to last forever without
needing any attention. Loving relationships are living
organisms, to grow they need the constant nurturing and
feeding provided by open hearted, honest sharing of all
our feelings.